I received several emails and private messages on Facebook
about my brother with the last post about him. When I started writing it, I
wasn’t sure which direction I wanted to head with it and how elaborate I wanted
to take it. I now want to share more experiences and feelings about my youth
and having an older brother that has a terrible drug addiction.
I received a lot of messages from friends saying
how sorry they were for me about our situation (having a drug addict for a
brother) but really, it’s all I know. In Jr. High, he started smoking pot and
it escalated quickly from there. William never finished High School and was
sucked into the dark life of a drug addict. He started with pot, which to some
seems relatively harmless, but then he tried cocaine, speed and heroin. Oh heroin...
How I HATE that drug. William was addicted to heroin for years, and his body
proves it. His teeth are frail; his veins blackened and scarred; his eyes sunken
in with dark circles around them and he is skinny...too skinny. He’s had
needles break off while injecting himself with that poison. Some are still
floating inside his body. He’s contracted several nasty diseases from sharing
needles, and not caring that he had contracted a disease in the moment of
experiencing his “high”.
There are times, small, but few where William is
clean and will be honest and tell me certain things about his life... about his
addictions... about his darkness. William and I are alike in so many ways and
yet so different too. I am outgoing, with a strong personality. He is an
introvert and conforms to peer pressure. Some dumb kid asked him to try this
and that, and he did. One person in my life asked me to try some pot and I
laughed in his face. There is NO way I would, or ever will, try any of that
stuff. Cigarettes and liquor included!
William has expressed many times to our mom and I that
he feels like no one cares for him. He feels alone. He feels unloved. William
doesn’t want to feel that way or any negative way, so he gets high. He runs
away. He liked heroin for a long time, but now he likes pills to slow him
down... to take the feeling and those thoughts away. Even for a few measly moments.
For me, that’s a cop-out. I have “stuff”
I deal with too and I don’t run away. I don’t hide. It would be unfair to me
and especially to my children and husband. Doing drugs or getting drunk is
selfish. Doing any kind of sin in selfish.
People, including William, have said an addict just
needs to hit rock bottom and then they’ll change. I couldn’t DISAGREE more! No
one has to hit any kind of rock bottom to change. You change when you want to
change. It may not be easy, but after you decided to do it, you will. I don’t
believe there is a rock bottom, you just keep falling farther and farther away
from what’s right... from the gospel... from our Savior.
William has stolen a bunch from me and my mom to
pay for his addiction. He has stolen from my kids too. Jackson left a DS in the bathroom to charge one
evening and William went in, saw it, took it, and sold it. William has stolen a
bike from me and a bike from Will. Clothes, cd’s, random things found in the
garage...Whatever he thinks can make money at the pawn shop. And shame on you
pawn shop man for accepting a druggies stolen goods and handing over money to
him!
William has panhandled downtown State Street all
day to save up enough money just to get a hit that lasts a half hour. Actually,
tourists are pretty generous to William and hand over a surprising amount of
cash to him. Strange that William spends several hours just standing there
asking for money just to turn it over to his dealer for a hit.
When I was Younger I didn’t realize how bad it was.
I had no clue why William did drugs and was naive in the entire matter. There
are times I feel sorry for him. There are times I hate him for messing up our
lives. There are times I forgive him and think he’ll change. There are times I
know he’ll die too soon from an overdose. I’ve said and written before... that
everyone has temptations, sins, and addictions. You may not be able to see all
of mine or other people’s sins but we can all see his. He could change... it won’t
be easy but he could change his life. He could go back to school, get a job, get
married, and have kids...He’s only 40, yet his body seems much older.
All my boys know is Uncle William is in prison more
than he is not. When they were younger they thought (because I told them) that
Uncle William is in jail because he didn’t wear his seat belt. Then as they got
older, we told them he stole things, and then it was that he took illegal drugs.
They’ve been with me when we’ve visited him in jail. And they know a few other
things about him that I am not going to share at this time, with respect to my
mom.
When William isn’t in prison, isn’t high or wandering
the streets, he’s fun to be around. He is a good person. He is a fun person. He
is a smart person. We’ve been to Disneyland and other little trips with him. We’ve
sat around the table playing games til late at night. We’ve watched TV and
movies together. We’ve sat around and talked and joked about stuff. I enjoy hanging
out with him... when he’s not high. William and I will tag team my mom and
tease her relentlessly. It is a lot of fun!
Ultimately, I love my brother.
