A Tribute from my Mom in honor of William

My mom wrote the following tribute to William and wanted me to share the message with all of you.

Last January, I was coming up to my one year anniversary of my stroke, and was thinking of all the things that happened since. How thankful  I am, I survived from a stroke and it didn't slow me down. Then, January 14^th happened.

On January 14th, I was sitting in my living room watching television while Bill was outside in the backyard working.  A knock came to the door.  I went to answer it and a tall sheriff was standing there. He asked if I was Julie Nielsen and asked if my son’s name is William Nielsen. After I answered yes to both questions, I quickly asked what was going on. He insisted I bring in my husband first. As I walked across my living room, I kept my eyes on him and continued to persuade him to tell me what was going on. He continued to say he'd rather wait until my husband was there. I opened the back door and yelled to Bill to hurry and get into the house.

We walked back into the kitchen and the sheriff informed us that my son was found dead today. As I stood in the kitchen I felt a rush of feelings and emotions. I felt dizzy, I began crying, I started shaking, it felt so untrue and unreal. I kept questioning him about this information, and they probably had the wrong man. I kept telling him No. No. No! This wasn't True, it couldn't be. I had to sit down and asked the sheriff to do the same.

I then realized that I had to call Lori. But how was I supposed to do that. How was I supposed to call my daughter to inform her that her brother was found dead when I didn't believe it myself? I had so many questions and no answers. When I called her, it rang 1 time and I hung up. I knew I couldn't tell her if she was home alone. So then I called the house line and Lori answered. I asked as calmly as I could to talk to Scott.

Later, I found out Lori was in the laundry room when I called her. Scott took her by the waist and led her into their bedroom, sat her on the edge of the bed and handed Lori the phone. I told Lori that William was found dead a few hours ago. I also later learned that she held the phone away from her ear as far as she could while screaming and crying.

Lori was reacting so loudly that Will ran up from the basement and started crying. Lori quickly informed him that it was his Uncle William that had died, not me. He thought it was his Nana. He was very upset and sad that it was William but the way Lori was acting, he thought it was me. Lori reassured him that I was okay.

I spoke with Lori and then Scott on the phone trying to answer their questions but realizing I didn't know much information either.  We hung up and I called the Thompson's, Mann's, Diane Kemp and other family members. Lori kept calling back asking more questions. We both were demanding answers. Scott spoke with the sheriff and asked additional questions. By 5:30 in the evening, my living room was full of friends and family. It was such an overwhelming feeling of love and support. 

The people that were here by my side to support me through this horrific event was DeEtte and George Thompson, Debbie and Preston Mann, Diane Kemp, Nancy Sienicki, Karen Bartlett, Bishop Ruth and Jon and Laura Dunn. I couldn't believe all the people that so quickly came to my aide with support and love. To this day I am still in awe of it. Having such wonderful friends there by my side on the worst day of my life.

I kept crying, and started shaking. People kept handing me blankets to stop me from shivering. I was also so thirsty, and friends would bring me water. I felt sick. I wanted this day to never have happened.

People continued to call to talk with me, to ask questions and console me through this terrible day. Several people said they would call back because it was hard to understand. Talking while sobbing isn't easy to interpret. 

The next morning, the Coroner's office called wondering where the body was to go. I told them to hold William's body there until my daughter came into town. The next morning, early, Lori, Preston and my niece Michele flew into the Santa Barbara airport. 

It was hard to see her at first. We hugged. We cried. I hugged my niece as well and we all cried. I was able to see my darling baby grandson and he brought joy to my heart. The only joy that I had felt for a long time.  We headed to grab a bite to eat and then we headed to the Coroner's office.  After being there for some time trying to finalize everything, filling out paperwork and choosing an urn, we left. 

A couple hours later we headed downtown to Welch-Rice Mortuary.   My heart sunk as we drove in the parking lot. Looking at the building, knowing my sweet boy was inside was heart-breaking.  We all slowly walked across the parking lot, down the sidewalk, and entered the building. My heart began racing and I had butterflies in my stomach.

A sweet elderly woman welcomed us in and told us that William was in a room down the hall. It was like time stood still. We all froze, no one wanting to take the lead and go first. For a moment that felt like minutes, but was probably only several seconds, Lori stood up and started walking towards the room. We all, slowly, followed.

We weren't halfway down the hall when I saw Lori slowly peer into the room, turn away quickly, ran into Bubbles arms and began crying.  I looked in and started screaming. Shouting, “No. No!” Bill quickly came to my side to literally, hold me up. 

We spent the next hour with him. Crying, talking, laughing, and taking pictures. It was a very hard, but incredibly special time with my boy that I’m not going to share anything more of that time. After the hour was up, it was incredible hard to leave him.  

The next couple of days we stayed busy planning his services.  A couple days later, Scott surprised us all by driving the six other boys down from Utah to be with us. He is such a wonderful son in law. My niece flew down from Alaska to support us. Several other family members and friends came from St. George, San Francisco, Lompoc and other places to attend William’s services that following Saturday. It was a beautiful service.  Thank you to everyone that participated and attended that day.

Today marks the one year anniversary of William being gone. I’ve watched countless movies and TV shows where they act out the scene when the cop comes to the door to inform the family of the loss of their child. Now, having experienced it myself, I can attest that is the most horrific experience of my life.  This entire year has been very hard.  I’m always looking for him. Listening for him. Waiting for him to come home.  I miss him so much. I think of him every day. I am thankful for the knowledge that I have that I will see him again one day. 

I thought he was just a Loser...

A few weeks ago, I was watching this television show where two police detectives asked a husband and wife into their office to question them regarding their son. At first the parents were like, "what did he do now?" Asking more questions about the wrongs their son had probably done. A robbery, drug related...what?

After a few moments of asking the parents some questions, they revealed to them their son had been murdered. Of course they both wept and were incredible sad about their boy.  After a short time, the detectives uncovered that the son had endured some major trials. The parents were both shocked and stunned. They had no idea about these experiences. The dad wept and said, "I thought my son was just a loser".  In the context of the tragic situations that this boy had been required to endure, it became evident why the boy had made some unfortunate choice. 

There have been many times I thought my brother was a loser for the choices he made; being a drug addict and all the things that comes with that. Of course I loved my brother very much, but a lot of times it was hard not to think of him as anything else.

Regardless of being a drug addict, or any other life altering patterns, there is always a reason why. There is always a reason why someone goes from making straight A's to failing every class. There is always a reason why someone tries drugs. There is always a reason why someone leaves the church.

I need to be better at not judging someone on how they are acting and/or living in this moment. I need to take into account their life, their history, their trials and their choices.

It really hit home for me today during fast and testimony meeting. So many adorable children willingly went up to the pulpit and bore their testimonies.  Most of those innocent testimonies shared the same belief; that we will live again with God and with Jesus Christ again. I am especially thankful for this knowledge, knowing I will see my brother again. I can't wait for that moment!

Heavy Heart

These past couple days I've had an extra heavy heart and been real emotional. I attended my cousin, Alison's, baptism yesterday afternoon. During the beautiful baptism and confirmation I sat there watching all my cousins and their friends and realized William won't be attending any more of my family's various activities. No more baptisms, birthday parties, trips to Disneyland, mission farewells, weddings...It made me sad. William wasn't in attendance to all of our family affairs, but he came when he could. It makes me sad that I won't see him again here on earth. I miss him.

I miss our letters we'd write back and forth while he was in jail or prison. I miss the quick conversations we'd have while he was in my mom's kitchen and I was here in SLC. I miss when we were together and we'd gang up on my mom and tease her relentlessly. I miss my brother.

At church this afternoon I shared my testimony with my ward that I know the church is true . I know William is in heaven and I will see him again. I know families are forever. I know Heavenly Father wants all His children to return and live with Him  and He'll do everything he can to make that possible.

I know his spirit will be in all those places watching us. I know I'll see him again. I know he loves us. I miss my brother.

I am so thankful for so many wonderful, caring, supportive friends who continually remind me how sorry they are for my loss and are there if I need anything. I am really lucky to have such a strong support system and feel completely blessed, even when tragedy occurs. So, thank you!!!

Funeral

Why in the world is the word fun in FUNeral? It was definitely not fun, but it was really nice. William's funeral was held on Saturday, January 19th at the LDS Church in Santa Barbara.  We made two large poster board collages filled with pictures of William as a baby, boy, teenager and adult. The front podium has a few different pictures, flowers and his remains.

Preston Mann, good family friend, conducted the service.  He started it by acknowledging the sacrifices that many had made to attend the service that day.  "But for those that know Julie, they know she made the ultimate sacrifice by getting up at 10am to be here..."  Everyone laughed at this remark.

The program included several cousins who shared childhood memories of William, a talk by George Thompson, myself and Scott. As a special musical number, we had a recording of Travis Stehmeier singing "Bring Him Home" from Les Miserables, and I was able to accompany it with Sign Language.

There were over 70 family and friends from all over that made it down to Santa Barbara to attend the service for William.  It was a real moving, touching dedication to his life and a joyful reunion with many family members that we had not seen for a while. 

After the service, the ward held a luncheon for the members of the family that attended.  We were able to get some fun family photos with everyone.  Here is my mom with a cousin, Jeremiah, who had driven down from San Francisco and didn't tell us that he was coming.  So it was a big surprise!!!

 

We were surprised to have all of my cousins (the Gray Girls) attend.  Three of them had shared childhood memories of William and brought a sweet spirit to the tribute.

 

Glenn, Marsha's husband, decided to be the honorary pallbearer and carry William's remains from the luncheon to the car.

Here I am with a childhood friend, Lisa, who made the trip and it was nice to see her again.

And, of course, I was especially surprised to have my husband and boys join me all the way from Salt Lake City.  They had not told me that they were going to be driving in, and so it was fun to see them when they pulled in the day before.

 

Jeana wins the award for having traveled the farthest, since she flew all the way in from Alaska to be there for the service and support my mom.

 



We again would like to express our sincerest appreciation for the love and support that we received from everyone during this difficult time.

Viewing

Preston, my cousin Michele and I flew to Santa Barbara to help my mom right after my brother had unexpectantly died.

Here is my view from the plane. Beautiful. I love Santa Barbara! I always have. I always will. Every time I fly into this gorgeous city my heart beats a little faster and I get all excited. Like I'm headed to Disneyland. I love being home. My heart was beating faster as we were landing, but in a different way. I felt anxious and nervous to see my mom and to jump into this nightmare. 

It started out to be a perfect day, it was warm and beautiful. Right after we landed, we started on our list of to-do's for our short visit. We had to arrange to have William's body moved from the coroner's office to the mortuary as soon as possible. We wanted to see him. We needed to make sure it was him. We needed to say goodbye.

**There are 3 photos of our heart wrenching visit. It shows a little of William's body. 

 Hearing the news that William had passed away was hard. Planning and attending his funeral was hard. Sitting here thinking about him and writing about him is hard. But viewing his body was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Simply put... it sucked.

As we drove in the parking lot and got out of the car, I instantly didn't want to go in. I walked behind everyone as slow as I could. Wanting to avoid this event. As I walked in, timidly, I sat on the couch while my mom told them who we were and who we came to see. I slowly, very slowly, got up and started walking towards the room. My mom stopped. Bill and Michele stopped. I combined all the courage I had in me and walked in front of everyone and slowly peeked into the room. 

I saw his profile. I saw William's profile. I saw my brother and instantly knew that he was gone from our family. I turned around and ran down the hall into my cousin's arms and balled. My mom walked in and started yelling and crying. It was hard to hear. 
I went back into the room and fell apart. Tears kept streaming down my face without end. I couldn't see straight because of all the tears. I held his face in my hands and said several prayers in my heart. I held his hand and continued to cry. My big brother is gone. My stupid, big brother is gone. I pounded my fist into his chest a couple times, knowing it wouldn't do any good. But it made me feel a little better. 

We stayed for an hour and then it was time to go. I was finally keeping my emotions under control and examining William's body. I was looking at his tattoos on his feet, his face, his hair, the inside of his elbow where there was a black scar that designated where he would shoot up. When it was time to go. The tears started up again and it was hard to walk away from him. 

I kept reminding myself that it was just his body, his spirit still lives. He is in heaven with Gram and other relatives. 

 We headed downtown to the overpass where William was found. This was what we saw. It was so surprising to us to see a couch, a trash can, a huge area rug, 2 beds...It was nice. There was also a tarp overhead to shade from the sun and prevent rain from entering. Behind the bushes was a little garden with different vegetables growing. 

That was the bed William was found on. I moved the blankets around and found some blood from him, too.  I then noticed that hanging on the handmade coat rack was William's flannel jacket. The same one he'd worn a couple of months ago when he came to visit us here in SLC. I smelled it, it was his. 

I am so thankful for my knowledge that this life is temporary and we will live again with our Heavenly Father. I know William didn't live a great life, but he was a good man. He just had a terrible struggle with Satan and his addiction to drugs. I know William's burden is lighter. I also know he isn't completely out of the clear, but it's easier for him to choose the right path. Like here on earth, William has a lot of supporters and help. 

William

Yesterday, January 14th, my only brother William passed away.

I received a call from my mom about 4pm with the horrific news. The officer was still at my mom's house explaining to her what had happened as she was calling me.

Scott sat me down on the foot of my bed and handed me the phone. My mom was crying and said something about William. I immediately started crying and yelling "No!". I put the phone down, curled up in Scott's arms and continued to ball.

Will came running up the stairs worried for his mom and quickly realized what had happened and he began to cry.

I talked to the police officer and asked several questions. So did Scott. What a terrible job that officer has.

Late Sunday night ,William was partying with his friends under the Arellaga overpass in Santa Barbara. (This is what's a little unclear and hopefully will be resolved as soon as I get to Santa Barbara.) His friends left and on Monday morning were wondering where William was, so they headed back to the overpass and found his body.

The police officer said it looked like no foul play had occurred. William was found laying face down on the ground and paraphernalia was around. Most likely it was an overdose.

There will be blood work done to verify and, if necessary, an autopsy.

I am flying to Santa Barbara tomorrow to be there for my mom, to see the body and get more answers.

Despite the fact William was in and out of prison, a drug addict, and usually homeless. He was a son, a brother, a friend and an uncle. We were always close and I love and adore him. He will sorely be missed.

William just turned 41 years old.

Hopefully a huge burden has been lifted from his shoulders and he has more peace.

Drug Addict...

I received several emails and private messages on Facebook about my brother with the last post about him. When I started writing it, I wasn’t sure which direction I wanted to head with it and how elaborate I wanted to take it. I now want to share more experiences and feelings about my youth and having an older brother that has a terrible drug addiction.

I received a lot of messages from friends saying how sorry they were for me about our situation (having a drug addict for a brother) but really, it’s all I know. In Jr. High, he started smoking pot and it escalated quickly from there. William never finished High School and was sucked into the dark life of a drug addict. He started with pot, which to some seems relatively harmless, but then he tried cocaine, speed and heroin. Oh heroin... How I HATE that drug. William was addicted to heroin for years, and his body proves it. His teeth are frail; his veins blackened and scarred; his eyes sunken in with dark circles around them and he is skinny...too skinny. He’s had needles break off while injecting himself with that poison. Some are still floating inside his body. He’s contracted several nasty diseases from sharing needles, and not caring that he had contracted a disease in the moment of experiencing his “high”.

There are times, small, but few where William is clean and will be honest and tell me certain things about his life... about his addictions... about his darkness. William and I are alike in so many ways and yet so different too. I am outgoing, with a strong personality. He is an introvert and conforms to peer pressure. Some dumb kid asked him to try this and that, and he did. One person in my life asked me to try some pot and I laughed in his face. There is NO way I would, or ever will, try any of that stuff. Cigarettes and liquor included!

William has expressed many times to our mom and I that he feels like no one cares for him. He feels alone. He feels unloved. William doesn’t want to feel that way or any negative way, so he gets high. He runs away. He liked heroin for a long time, but now he likes pills to slow him down... to take the feeling and those thoughts away. Even for a few measly moments.  For me, that’s a cop-out. I have “stuff” I deal with too and I don’t run away. I don’t hide. It would be unfair to me and especially to my children and husband. Doing drugs or getting drunk is selfish. Doing any kind of sin in selfish.

People, including William, have said an addict just needs to hit rock bottom and then they’ll change. I couldn’t DISAGREE more! No one has to hit any kind of rock bottom to change. You change when you want to change. It may not be easy, but after you decided to do it, you will. I don’t believe there is a rock bottom, you just keep falling farther and farther away from what’s right... from the gospel... from our Savior.

William has stolen a bunch from me and my mom to pay for his addiction. He has stolen from my kids too.  Jackson left a DS in the bathroom to charge one evening and William went in, saw it, took it, and sold it. William has stolen a bike from me and a bike from Will. Clothes, cd’s, random things found in the garage...Whatever he thinks can make money at the pawn shop. And shame on you pawn shop man for accepting a druggies stolen goods and handing over money to him!

William has panhandled downtown State Street all day to save up enough money just to get a hit that lasts a half hour. Actually, tourists are pretty generous to William and hand over a surprising amount of cash to him. Strange that William spends several hours just standing there asking for money just to turn it over to his dealer for a hit.

When I was Younger I didn’t realize how bad it was. I had no clue why William did drugs and was naive in the entire matter. There are times I feel sorry for him. There are times I hate him for messing up our lives. There are times I forgive him and think he’ll change. There are times I know he’ll die too soon from an overdose. I’ve said and written before... that everyone has temptations, sins, and addictions. You may not be able to see all of mine or other people’s sins but we can all see his. He could change... it won’t be easy but he could change his life. He could go back to school, get a job, get married, and have kids...He’s only 40, yet his body seems much older.  

All my boys know is Uncle William is in prison more than he is not. When they were younger they thought (because I told them) that Uncle William is in jail because he didn’t wear his seat belt. Then as they got older, we told them he stole things, and then it was that he took illegal drugs. They’ve been with me when we’ve visited him in jail. And they know a few other things about him that I am not going to share at this time, with respect to my mom.

When William isn’t in prison, isn’t high or wandering the streets, he’s fun to be around. He is a good person. He is a fun person. He is a smart person. We’ve been to Disneyland and other little trips with him. We’ve sat around the table playing games til late at night. We’ve watched TV and movies together. We’ve sat around and talked and joked about stuff. I enjoy hanging out with him... when he’s not high. William and I will tag team my mom and tease her relentlessly. It is a lot of fun!

Ultimately, I love my brother.